Too Loud a Solitude


For the jaded human that doesn’t give a shit about the existential gibber gabber and just needs a fucking rest goddamit.

Ingredients: chamomile flowers, chopped lemon peel, lavender flowers, rosemary leaves, chopped licorice root and granulated ginger

Directions: steep for 3 to 6 minutes in some water you just boiled. This blend is exceptionally good when cold, so pour warm water on your leftover leaves and leave it in the fridge for the next day. Squeeze some lime or lemon in it for a fresh start before diving into another day of endless tasks.

This blend is caffeine-free with the earthy flavor of Egyptian chamomiles, subtly sweet with licorice and has a soft kick with lemon, ginger and aromatic rosemary that makes you want to keep sipping until the bedtime. Downside is you might have to get out of bed a couple of times to pee. especially if your pelvic floor is all fucked up after giving birth to multiple humans.

Each Teasturbed blend weighs two ounces, sealed in a plastic bag inside the canister. Unfortunately most plastic is not recyclable including the ones you wish-cycle daily; they still go to the landfill. I am in the process of trying to figure this out and it might just take a few more months before I solve this environmental catastrophe. Anywho, you'll just open the plastic bag and pour the blend in the container. Shake it well before each usage so all the ingredients are distributed evenly, unless you like being on your toes about the surprising flavors of an uneven blend. I don’t. I like predictable and routine.

Your Teasturbed canister is a bamboo container with hand-drawn letters (using a stencil, of course) and  customized ink strokes, painted by me after your order. This is not to mean that you need to hold on to the container out of sentiment, not at all. In fact the temporary nature of the art is what makes it beautiful. I haven't done traditional visual art for years and it's a meditative process for me, so I appreciate your role in pushing me to do so.

But I don’t want to brew a whole pot, you say? That's me most of the time. Just get a stainless-steel tea infuser which is the most environment-friendly option. However if you like staying on theme, I do have biodegradable corn fiber teabags so you can have the Teasturbed logo dangling on the side of your cup to satisfy the yearning for uniformity.

Make your Teasturbed blend a gift by mentioning it in the notes when you’re ordering, along with the name of the person you're gifting to. I'll make sure they know you've been thinking of them...

Shipping could take up to five business days from the day of the order, since each canister is custom-made for you by a mom of two with a physically taxing day job who also tries to release music into this world in semi-regular fashion.  Fuck, I don't know what I was thinking starting a tea business on top of all this. Fuck. Ok well, let's say it might take up to ten days, shall we? In fact, you know what, just make your order then forget about it, and be pleasantly surprised when it shows up at your door a few weeks later.

Additional information

Weight 5 oz
Dimensions 3 × 3 × 6 in
FREE Shipping

Well, nothing is really free. I just integrated the average cost of shipping to the price, creating the illusion of a good deal. But in reality free-shipping could actually be a worse deal for the buyer, because you are paying for the “average” shipping cost, while your actual shipping cost could be lower. So yeah, nothing is really free. But we could and should have socialized healthcare, and can very much afford it if we wage less wars. On a side-note, automation is here to stay, so stop trying to save dead-end jobs and put the energy into ethical AI instead. Back to the point, Free Shipping, yay!

Refund Policy

All sales are final and no refunds are given at anytime, unless special circumstances arise, such as a lost package.