Unhappy Consciousness


For the fully aware human that realizes their fluctuating nothingness, and submit themselves to an illusion of meaning consciously.

Ingredients: Oolong tea, rosehips, rose petals, peppermint, orange peel, anise seeds, star anise and granulated ginger.

Directions: Depending on how intense you like your oolong, steep for 2-4 minutes in boiled and then slightly cooled water, to around 90 ℃. I don’t know what that is in Fahrenheit and quite frankly, if we all refuse to learn, the whole imperial system will come crashing down and we’d be collectively blessed by the decimal gratification of metric system.

This blend is oolong based to provide you with the much-needed caffeine fix of the day; it is balanced with the tang of rose hips and floral notes of the rose petals. You’ll feel a depth of flavor that emanates from the combination of Mexican anise seeds and peppermint. One single star anise in the blend is purely ornamental. Ginger? Ginger just needs to be in every tea blend. You can even scale up the kick with some additional fresh ginger slices! This recommendation is valid for all the existing and non-existing tea and tisane blends.

Each Teasturbed blend weighs two ounces, sealed in a plastic bag inside the canister. Unfortunately most plastic is not recyclable including the ones you wish-cycle daily; they still go to the landfill. I am in the process of trying to figure this out and it might just take a few more months before I solve this environmental catastrophe. Anywho, you'll just open the plastic bag and pour the blend in the container. Shake it well before each usage so all the ingredients are distributed evenly, unless you like being on your toes about the surprising flavors of an uneven blend. I don’t. I like predictable and routine.

Your Teasturbed canister is a bamboo container with hand-drawn letters (using a stencil, of course) and  customized ink strokes, painted by me after your order. This is not to mean that you need to hold on to the container out of sentiment, not at all. In fact the temporary nature of the art is what makes it beautiful. I haven't done traditional visual art for years and it's a meditative process for me, so I appreciate your role in pushing me to do so.

But I don’t want to brew a whole pot, you say? That's me most of the time. Just get a stainless-steel tea infuser which is the most environment-friendly option. However if you like staying on theme, I do have biodegradable corn fiber teabags so you can have the Teasturbed logo dangling on the side of your cup to satisfy the yearning for uniformity.

Make your Teasturbed blend a gift by mentioning it in the notes when you’re ordering, along with the name of the person you're gifting to. I'll make sure they know you've been thinking of them...

Shipping could take up to five business days from the day of the order, since each canister is custom-made for you by a mom of two with a physically taxing day job who also tries to release music into this world in semi-regular fashion.  Fuck, I don't know what I was thinking starting a tea business on top of all this. Fuck. Ok well, let's say it might take up to ten days, shall we? In fact, you know what, just make your order then forget about it, and be pleasantly surprised when it shows up at your door a few weeks later.

Additional information

Weight 5 oz
Dimensions 3 × 3 × 6 in
FREE Shipping

Well, nothing is really free. I just integrated the average cost of shipping to the price, creating the illusion of a good deal. But in reality free-shipping could actually be a worse deal for the buyer, because you are paying for the “average” shipping cost, while your actual shipping cost could be lower. So yeah, nothing is really free. But we could and should have socialized healthcare, and can very much afford it if we wage less wars. On a side-note, automation is here to stay, so stop trying to save dead-end jobs and put the energy into ethical AI instead. Back to the point, make tea, not war. Wait, was that the point?

Refund Policy

All sales are final and no refunds are given at anytime, unless special circumstances arise, like a lost package or something.